I Paint My World The Way I Want It

Sunday, September 28, 2008

just thought of this..
that day me and chi were talking..
abt the past and now..
last time in sec 2 what were we doing?
we were busy staying back in sch, buying bubble tea and fries and chatting..
and trying to rush back in time before the back gate closes..:)
nowadays times have changed..
ppl start having boyfriends in sec 1 and sec 2..
haha!!
what a stark difference..
the word 'boyfriend' wasn't even in our dictionary at that time i think..
right chi?
haha..
some are not even old enough to handle i think..
and some even dare say all their 5 or 6 bfs treat them like crap..
hmm..
blame it on yourself?:)
haha..
no wonder the breakup rates is so high nowadays..
:P
well..
WHATEVER..
HAHA..

:P

Paint Splashed<3
3:30 PM

this is gonna be a long long long long post..:P

had a nice fri evening talking nonsense with the three pantats in mac and on the bus..
totally laughed like crazy..
haha..
rashal said 'calories' and i heard 'terrorists'!!!!
nonsense!!!
totally dumb..
haha..

my sis let me read a story last night..
it touched me..
let me tell the story here..

i see you with your wife and children. your kids look like you. though i have to admit that they do look like your wife too but it makes me sad to think that way. yes, i'm envious of your wife. but i'm happy to see you have a happy life. really. oh, now you're going to fly kites with your kids in the park. your wife is setting up the picnic lunch. she looks like a good cook from the way the kids enjoy their food. i once wished i could have a chance to cook for you too. i'm sure you'll love it too. the sun is setting now. you and your family got up to take a ride in the car. you must be on your way to dinner in town in some fancy restaurant. you told me before that you're going to have your own business. it sounded good. i wonder how it is now. but from the looks of it, i think you did well. good. your kids, they're so cute. the little girl has such big beautiful green eyes that seem to tell stories. the little boy is so active. these kids could've been ours. i always cry when i think of this. and i'll always love you for the way you are. well, i should stop this. oh yes. you've got a nice big hse with a nice garden. of course its nice. we chose it tgt didnt we. i used to tell you that i'd grow many roses there. my favourite. but now its a bit empty. guess your wife dun really like flowers. but its still nice. your furniture are quite modern. hmm. i dun like it. i like it with a countryside touch. you agreed too. but as long as you like it the way it is now den its fine. now back to the present. you're a good responsible father. you didnt bring them to eat junk food. okay so now you're finished dinner. your pretty wife is going back with the kids. where are you going? why are you not following them? are you going to a pub? i dun you gg to a pub. and you're holding flowers!! i wont like it if you're gonna betray your wife and have an affair. no. you're not going to a pub. you're walking here!! you're walking towards me!! what? does it mean that you still love me?

man: "hey, isabella dearest. you see, i havent forgotten you. actually, i dunno if you know it, but i come here every yr. my wife knows abt this, and she's okay with it. she's very good to me and the kids. but you.. you're unique, you're special. you're always unique no matter how many yrs have passed. i will love you for my entire lifetime. even though i spent this lifetime with another person, but a part of my heart is still yours. i brought some roses for you, they're your favourite. take it. although its already been 10yrs but i want you to know that i still love you. good bye, my love. i'll see you next yr. rest in peace."

so touching right?
i almost teared..
i wonder how it feels like to have someone loving you so much..
hmm..

anyway..
i'm not going sch tmr..
going to make a new passport cos mine is expiring soon..
gotta wake up early still..:(

going to the lawyer's with my parents after that..
hmph..
some ppl wanna take my dad down..
wanna destroy my whole family..
want him to lose his career, reputation and family..
but you're playing with the wrong ppl baby..
my dad gave you a chance and you didnt appreciate..
now you're gonna get what you deserve..
my family's not as weak as what you think man..
cos we stick tgt through thick and thin..
and luckily my mum's a smart woman..
not one of those stupid bimbotic mums..
if not we wont have survived..
haha..
i just sympathise with your wife and kid..
pity them..

and well..
i think i'm starting to be able to control myself..
as in yup..
to not give a damn..
cos whats the point if you care and think and the other person dun even give a damn abt you..
right?
most prob the person is alr happily enjoying life and have maybe forgotten your existence..
so well..
yes..
i'm gonna try my best and do the same too..
haha..
i will..
i can..
i must..

付出真心，才会得到真心，却也可能伤得彻底。
保持距离，就能保护自己，却也注定永远寂寞。

i saw this too:
you should wait for the right person to appear. but during the long wait, you can chat with the wrong ppl first.

tata..

Paint Splashed<3
2:20 PM

Thursday, September 25, 2008

somehow i just cant stop myself no matter how hard i try..
keep telling myself one last time one last time..
dunno its the how many thousandth 'last time' le..
each time i see it, its panic, hurt, pain, pain pain pain and more pain..
i wanna cry..
i cried..
i teared..
i dun wanna be stuck here forever..
i know its not worth all these but i cant stop myself..
i wanna get an answer..
i want a 'no'..
but somehow i think its how i feel it is..
why why why???
oh god..
somebody help me..
somebody get me out..
i wanna turn a blind eye..
but i cant..
i'm still and just me..
i'm trapped and i feel choked..
i wanna get out of this alive..

Paint Splashed<3
10:12 PM

"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

this above lyrics..
this is exactly how i feel..
i dunno who you are..
but somebody, anybody, take me to somewhere new..

i feel trapped..
i am trapped..
in this vicious cycle of pain..
i wanna get out..
but i'm trapped..
seriously..

somebody help me..

Paint Splashed<3
9:51 PM

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the puking sensation came again when i went on msn just now..
luckily donna distracted me..:)
oh ya..
jon's being nice..:)
though you wont see this, but ya..
just wanna say thanks for the msg ytd..:)
and yes..
i cheered up after seeing it..
it was funny..:)
and i was even more surprised after knowing you sent it on your own accord..
i thought rashal asked you to or sth..
haha..
gd improvement..:)

and yes..
i realised that you need to ask ppl what that person did to others when the others get angry with him/her..
not just look at what others did to him/her..
cos its really bad to do that..
there's always a cause for an action or speech..
especially when it involves me..
haha..
i hate ppl who only say stuffs abt what others did to them but nv tell others what they themselves did..
horrible horrible horrible to the max..
tsk tsk tsk..
and the best part is the person that is confided in dun ask!!
haha..
this is like so funny and stupid..
but oh wells..
like what chi say..
dun need to hope for any changes..
cos a leopard can nv change its spots..
haha..:)

tata..

Paint Splashed<3
11:18 PM

Monday, September 22, 2008

dunno why..
ever since like 2 or 3 weeks ago..
whenever i see those 2 lines on my com screen i'll always have a puking sensation..
serious..
i didnt know ppl could give me a puking sensation..
this is getting really bad..
goodness..
i wanna erase all my memory..
clear my brain of it all..
maybe..
maybe then..
it'll feel better..
just maybe..

Paint Splashed<3
9:32 PM

talked..
scolded..
cried..
whatever..

i walked home all the way from clementi today!!!!!!!!
haha..
sounds a bit crazy..
clementi to gombak..
walked for like near 3hrs..
non stop..
haha..
but i was plugged in la..
i kept repeating one step at a time..
i think i listened to it for like.. at least 30 times??
haha..
and burning up too..
msged rashal and shaen all the way..
thanks for making me happy ppl..:)
rashal was so scared sth might happen to me..
cos i walked alone and my mood too..
but it felt really good la..
and i was sweating all the way..
it got my mind off stuffs..:)
i didnt know clementi and je was so far apart!!
one stop diff but i had to walk like one hr plus..
gd workout..:)

saw ju chi at my void deck after that..
chatted for a while before going home..
thanks for talking to me girl..:)
i really needed to someone to talk to at that time..

sometimes its funny how ppl in the same hse can react so diff from one another towards the same person..
such diff reaction..

tata..

Paint Splashed<3
8:46 PM

Saturday, September 20, 2008

my 3rd post of the day..
lol..

the boy and the man i love the most in my life..:)

Paint Splashed<3
1:36 PM

oh ya..
changed blog song..
one step at a time by jordin sparks..:)
no more of the man who cant be moved..
cos no such person exists..
sad reality huh..
but whatever..
gone were the days where i'll be the dumb fool who cares abt ppl who treat me horribly..
no more..:)

say hello to friends and family and ppl i've left aside..
now i know family is the most impt..:)
they stay by you regardless what happens..:)
they make me happy..:)
i love my mum..:)
she's the best despite all the stupid things she does..:)
talk nonsense to me all day and laugh like nobody's business..:)
regret treating her so horribly last time..:(
i love my dad..:)
been spending more time with him..
eating dinner tgt and chatting with him when i'm home late..
just the 2 of us..:)
like the past..:)
love my sisters..:)
they talk to me and give me advices and scold me when necessary..:)
they're ppl who bring me back downto earth..:)
and my cute brother..:)
always making me play with him..:)
and i love my friends..:)
they give me so much nonsense everyday..:)
love them all..:)
ALOT!!:)

Paint Splashed<3
12:52 PM

this is gonna be a long long entry..
just wanna rant..:)

at my dad's office now..
just watched one step at a time music video..
its so niceeeeeee!!!!!:)))
i love it!!!!
i really wanna do like what she did in the future..
haha..
and i really like her green heels too..
lol..:)
and i'll do things one step at a time..
cos there's no need to rush..:)
things will come to you naturally..:)
i feel so happy listening to that song..
at first still a bit sad..
but yup..
now its all gone!!:)

actually come to think of it..
being single is a good thing too..
single as in dun get married..
you get to live a carefree life..
do whatever you want and you dun have to give a damn abt how your husband or bf thinks..
isn't that good?
especially like if you like care too much abt a person and in the end you just realised what kind of person he really is..
you do so much for him and yet what you get is him not giving a damn abt your feelings..
so being single..
you dun have to care abt anyone's feelings..
and you wont get hurt too..:)
thats the best part of it all..
haha..
so yup..
i dun care abt relationships and stuff le la..
all these nonsense..
i think i can live without it..:)
at least for now i think i can..:)

ytd someone made me so angry..
i blew my top at him..
totally..
its like you have the person's best interest at heart and he turn around and scold you..
and yes ppl..
dun make me angry..
as in try not to la..
cos i think i have difficulty controlling my anger..
i'll lash out at you if you really get on my nerves..
mayching got scared though..
she saw the whole process of it..
i was so mean..
but i hate doing it la..
but it lasted for only around 30mins and i'm back to normal..:)
i think i need anger management..:(
but she say its a gd thing la cos i dun let anyone bully me..:))
and i dun get angry easily too..
lol..
but she say he deserve it too..
for saying those stuffs to me..
so i guess its the end of it all..
:)

say bye bye to the past..:)
bye bye to the person who treated me like air..
thank you for showing me the kind of person you really are..
i bet you already told your mum what i said to you too..
and i bet you really hate me now..
but i bet you didnt tell your mum the horrible things you said to me..
hah..
i wont be surprised at all..
and dun worry i wont bother abt you anymore..
cos well..
i simply cant be bothered too..:)
just yup..
thanks for the memories..
there were good ones no doubt..

well..
gd bye..
i hope i wont meet ppl like you in the future..
goodbye 'mr nice guy'..:)

tata..:)

Paint Splashed<3
10:28 AM

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

i cant stand myself!!!
stop it la angela..
you're not supposed to care anymore..
so what..
it has nothing to do with me..
so why care..

okay..
i'm not gonna care..
i'll try to la at least..
TMB..
i wanna get out of this phase..
fast..

and i'm gonna wait..
cos i'm not desperate..:)
i'm not gonna be like you too..
yay..:)

cheers to the happiness that i'll try to feel every single day..:)

Paint Splashed<3
8:53 PM

i dunno..
really no idea..
i'm fed up..
i'm trying to control myself..
i dun wanna care so much anymore..
i really wanna stop..
but i just somehow cant no matter how hard i try..
haiz..
its non of my business..
already..
but its like keep calling me at the back of my mind..
wth is wrong with me??????
dun care la angela..
whatever that is happening or will happen is non of your freaking business angela..
why you wanna care..
i dun understand myself..
aaaargh..
stop it..
you cant do anything abt it too ar..
aiya..
whatever..
stupid me..

oh ya..
i'm really being nice to you..
and yet you dun appreciate it..
whats wrong with you??
yes..
i'm a friend..
but do you treat your friends like this??
i guess not..

tata..
just ranting..

i really just cant feel happy..
there's this sinking feeling in me..
it makes me feel sick..
and its cos of you you you!!!
stop giving me your attitude..
i'm not someone to let you bully..

Paint Splashed<3
8:53 PM

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

talked crap with rashal and jon today..
total nonsense..
haha..
stupid jon..
keep quarreling with me..
i think we'll just choke each other or die of heart attack one day..
haha..

anyway..
gonna move hse soon..
in maybe 3mths time..
living super near bb swimming complex..
can reach there in 2mins..
den can go swim..
yrs since i last swam..
lol..

talked to shaen just now..
he's really nice..
thanks for your concern..:)
he says he understand and i hope he does la..
i dun wanna get into more trouble now that As are coming..

met bryan today..
the words said really hurt..
the stuffs i said hurt too..
but what i didnt say hurt even more..
what i felt was way worse..
i admit what i said was wrong or dumb la..
but like what shaen said..
ppl do dumb things sometimes..:)
so..
i'm sorry..
but those things are what i really feel..
just that they're said out in a really mean way..
but i cant help it la..
i'm sad..
i say really mean and sarcastic stuffs when i'm sad or angry..
its hard to change but i'll try..
haiz..
we may or may not meet ever again..
but just wanna say that i didnt regret la..
i learnt stuffs..
alot..
and i had happy times..:)
thank you..
all the best to you..

gtg slp now..

tata..
smile angela..
for tmr's gonna be a brand new day..
feel the excitement..
smile..:)

Paint Splashed<3
12:00 AM

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

i know it and i don't..
i feel it but its not supposed to be like that..
the feeling you left after ytd is so strong..
hmm..
wonder why it feels like that after so long..

and i'm really upset with her..
very very very very very very very very..
angry actually..
whatever la..
kids are kids..
kids will forever be kids..
especially her..
i'm losing my patience..
i tell her and she dun keep her word..
fine..

i'm holding back my temper for you..
you better tell her to stop..
she dunno me yet..
well..
i'll show her then since she dunno..

dun regret..
i mean what i say..
you know me well and what i can and will do..

Paint Splashed<3
8:11 PM

Thursday, September 4, 2008

talked to shaen..
finally there's someone i can talk to..
i thought i was bad..
until i heard his..
2yrs just to move on..
wow..
i was like..
amazed..
he really took so damn long la!!
i'll be faster than him..
i know it..
lol..
i'll take less than a few months i hope..
cos like what he said..
life continues..

and there's really no point waiting for someone who's not worth the time..
yup..
and its not like he will too..

thanks shaen..
for talking to me even when you're teaching tuition..:)
so paiseh..
heh..:P
but he say he's bored also so its okay..:P

tata..

Paint Splashed<3
11:03 AM

changed blog song..
the man who cant be moved by the scipt..

the man who doesn't exist..

Paint Splashed<3
9:53 AM

i dun wanna cry..

someone pls just kill me..

Paint Splashed<3
9:48 AM

i feel so stupid..
its exactly 9.42am now..
and i'm still waiting..
waiting for the call that will never come..
i knew it wont come..
yet i'm waiting for it..
why why why why why why why why???????
cos maybe there's a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe you still do care?
haha..
just plain dumb..
really wanna call but i know i'm unwelcomed..
lol..
first time in my life i'm treated this way..
by this someone..
who once mattered so much..

tata..

Paint Splashed<3
9:42 AM