Friday, November 30, 2007
Y
decision made..
it will go the way i want it to..
hopefully..
yes..
and thanks to the two of you who helped me make my decision..:)
you are so honoured..:P
i'll make it go the way i told you all de..
Paint Splashed<3
12:44 PM
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Y
what am i supposed to do??????
somebody tell me!
i have to choose btw the two most impt things in my life..
and i cant..
my deadline is at the end of today..
i know what i want..
i want both..
both family and you..
but how am i supposed to do that???
i just cant imagine my life without you..
and i cant even picture yours without me or that the person beside you might not be me..
it hurts..
alot..
i want both..
why am i in such a state now???
i know i cant let my family fall apart cos of me..
and i know that i need you..
you're very impt to me..
but how am i gonna show my parents that you're not as bad as they think..
i wanna be with you..
and i just know that no matter what i choose..
i cant let go of you..
i can never ever do that..
Paint Splashed<3
8:54 AM
Monday, November 26, 2007
Y
i suggest the ppl who happen to see this entry dun read if they dun wanna be bored to death..
cos this is a freaking long entry filled with lotsa unhappiness and anger and sadness..
so ya..
stop here if you wish..
thank you..
i dunno why i'm actually typing all these things and let everyone know abt my family..
i hate to do so..
but i cant care less when i have just so much unhappiness inside of me..
in my mother's eyes i commited a crime..
she said i shouldn't have hid the relationship from her..
she said if i had told her then she would've allowed and there wont be any unhappiness..
and now she felt so hurt..
that i had cheated her feelings..
but will she really allow me if i told her at that time???
yeah right..
i tried to make everything better by telling them good stuffs abt him..
i told them he'll be studying in nus after ns and she said:"study in nus den very great is it.."
when i'm not even sure if i myself can get into uni..
i told them he's earning income now and she said:" that's good. tell him to pay for your school fees then since he's earning money.."
no matter what i try to say they always have sth to say and criticise and insult him..
say he's irresponsible and stuff..
hey..
they dun even know him ok???
and now i get scoldings, lectures, screamings, shoutings, talks, yellings, whatever everyday..
she said she wont bother abt me anymore..
dun wanna have anything to do with me..
and if thats not enough..
she even told my bro not to talk to me or play with me..
she said she only has 3 children..
my 2 sis and my bro..
really..
did i do anything so wrong???
i told her i was afraid she'll scold and wont approve of it so i didnt tell her..
and she said i'm trying to put all the blame on her..
my sis told her the same reason and she said everyone's ganging up against her..
say that nobody understands her..
wth..
my dad wasn't as bad as her although he too find it hard to accept..
but he told me nicely and everything..
yes he scolded me..
but he's willing to give us a chance..
unlike my mum..
my mum felt that everyone was SUPPOSED to feel upset and disappointed with me..
supposed to be angry with me..
ytd my mum was in the living room watching tv..
and both my sis were in the kitchen talking abt sth and they started laughing..
my mum heard them laughing and screamed: "you all very happy is it? huh.. your sis got bf le you all very happy is it? do you know how hurt i am? you all dun do this to me............"
and she started crying and screaming..
all my sis did was laugh..
for some reason..
and my mum scolded them..
they told me they wont ever laugh again next time..
and she questioned everyone if they had scolded me..
so they all said yes even though my sis didnt cos they didnt think it was sth wrong..
haiz..
life is hard at home man..
den dinner time she threw a tantrum and my dad got scolded for giving her children that "dun see her as a mother in their eyes"..
yes..
i pity my dad..
cant even eat in peace..
and she told us not to force her and that she cant take it anymore le..
if not she'll either leave this house or commit suicide with my bro..
den she said she wanna move out..
wth man..
i mean..
did i really commit a crime????????
and who the hell is forcing her???
force her what??????????????????????????????
i asked her why must it be like this..
why cant we remain like last time..
and she said i'm very selfish..
want the guy, lied to parents, and now want a happy family again..
and she said it as if i'm leaving this family for him or getting married and what nonsense..
she said that i'll get pregnant and stuff and she wont help me look after the baby..
what nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEY!!!!!!!!!
i'm just in a relationship like anyone else!!!!!!
and other ppl's family can accept it and understand and remain normal so why cant mine??????
and she still have the cheek to ask me why i didnt tell her when we first started..
i think there wont be much difference either..
i have lived in this freaking strict family for 10yrs le..
and i know it well enough to know what i should and should not tell..
i know when i should lie and when not to..
ask herself why we lied..
and she cant take the fact that she's just TOO strict le..
things were freaking different before she step into this family..
yes life was hard..
but we were happy..
at least me and my sis were..
after she came in things just got worse..
when she's happy den everything's fine..
when she's unhappy..
you cant laugh or smile..
you cant show your temper and emotions..
you cant feel happy when she's not..
if not she'll take it out on you..
i've had enough le..
me and sis have to lie so much cos of her..
we cant go out cos its "money and time wasting"..
cant use handphone..
cant sms if not she'll question you who you msging and what you smsing abt den grab the phone and see the contents of the msg..
cant use the com as and when we want to unless necessary..
and when you tell her you need to use den she'll ask you what you wanna use it for..
if not for doing hw purposes den cant use cos its 'wasting electricity'..
have to let her check our stuffs like wallet, phone and bag as and when she wants to..
that's why i have to constantly delete his msges..
have to sleep at 12mn sharp if not she'll come out and scream at you..
cant use msn..
if you tell her you really need to msn then she'll stand behind you and look at your whole chat..
cant go out study with friends..
and when a friend call you, you gotta tell her your whole conversation..
cant take naps and sleep as and when you want unless you're really tired or sick..
gotta wake up early everyday (latest at 8 or 9am for weekend and public hols, if not everyday during hols will be latest 7am) regardless weekday or weekend or holiday or public holiday..
cant just sit there and do nothing..
if she sees you sitting on the sofa doing nothing she'll give you chores to do..
and if she go out you cant stay at home even if you dun feel like going cos need to help her look after my bro..
if you tell her you dun wanna go den she'll scream at you and tell you how selfish you are and slam the door at you..
and you're not allowed to slam the door or shout at her when you're unhappy while she can do everything to you..
so you see..
i think i actually live in a prison that allows sunlight to come in..
me and my sis have to tell lies to go out, do this do that..
i'm fed up..
really..
i think no one in the right mind will wanna live here and much less tell her that you got a bf..
and she herself cant understand..
when we try to tell her..
she just shut us up and say we're unfilial and talk all the crap abt the retribution that we're gonna have den she'll say she's doing all these for our own good..
wtf..
she say she'll let us free when we start working..
totally wtf..
i only live life once and i'm a teenager only once..
yes she'll let us free when we start work but what's the point man..
the time has all passed..
all long gone le..
i wanna run away from this place..
this miserable prison..
many times i wanna run away..
and sometimes when i'm really sad i even wanna commit suicide to give my parents a wake up call..
my dad understands us but he just cant win over my mum..
they'll quarrel and its all our fault again..
she say she's hurt but what abt us??
its been 10yrs le..
and nothing has changed..
i really wanna cry my heart out..
wanna scream and let all these nightmare go away..
i envy and i'm jealous of ppl and friends with so much more freedom..
i hate my life..
i hate my family..
i hate my mum..
i just hate everything that has to do with this f***ed up family..
i want her to just leave us alone..
i dun wanna live in lies anymore..
i just hate to lie but what can i do????
we have to lie..
and have to always worry of getting caught..
this is just plain miserable..
she dun even understand a thing..
and i feel sorry for you who have to go through everything with me..
i just hate being caged up in here..
i want freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now they're giving me freedom but its just cos they feel they cant control me anymore..
not that they're giving it willingly..
i hate this..
LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paint Splashed<3
9:14 AM
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Y
is it really wrong to love?
i'm hurt..
so much i cant put it into words..
i didnt mean to hurt anyone at all..
i know it was wrong to hide it..
but i cant say it out..
do you actually understand how torturous it feels???
you focus on your hurt..
but what abt mine?
i'm a human too..
i know you need time to accept..
but must this really end this way?
must you really not care abt me at all?
all i want is..
freedom..
your approval..
to accept him..
that's all..
i'm still the same old me..
i'm sorry dad..
really very sorry..
very very very very very very sorry..
i know you're very hurt..
but pls dun do this to me..
i want everything to be back to normal..
i'll give you time..
i know its hard..
it hurts me to see you so hurt..
i knew you wont be able to accept this relationship..
but really..
i'm grown up le..
i know what i'm doing..
pls pls pls pls pls pls..
accept us..
to the person who saw my blog and the photos and told my parents abt it:
i dunno who you are..
but you've caused so much trouble..
its non of your business what i do and what we do..
I decide when and whether i wanna tell my parents abt it..
dun let me know who you are..
I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
Paint Splashed<3
8:17 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Y
went vivo with phebe today..
cos she ask me help her choose prom dress..
lol..
she said i got good taste..
want me to be her beauty consultant..
haha..
chatted alot with her and caught up with some things..
and we realise that everytime we talk..
its always either one of us or both of us are having problems..
so sad huh..
anyway..
my family is having alot of probs now..
and..
i dunno what's going on le..
at first i thought it was me..
but i think its no longer le..
or maybe it is..
i really dunno..
my mum's crying like mad everyday..
and she's hiding something from all of us..
i'm worried..
really..
can someone tell me what's wrong???
i hope my mum is okay..
and i hope my family will be okay..
i hope it wont fall apart..
please..
i wont be able to take anymore blows le..
i've had enough le..
Paint Splashed<3
10:02 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Y
feeling much better now..
not as bad as ytd..
but ytd afternoon had been fun..:)
its not how much time you spend with a person that matters..
its what you do during the time that really matters..:)
it can be just mere one or two hours..
and yet it can be really enjoyable..
on the other hand..
you can spend time together with someone for as long as you can rmb but still dun be happy..
so yup..
i had fun ytd..
and that's what matters the most!:):)
Paint Splashed<3
11:09 AM
Friday, November 16, 2007
Y
not very happy these days..
and i'm getting lazy to blog le..
haha..
before anyone (provided anyone comes to my blog at all) continue reading..
i have to caution you that this is a really long entry..
or at least i think so..
and its nothing happy..
so if you dun wanna read anything boring and unhappy..
i suggest you just stop right here..
thank you..
anyway..
got back my results le..
its not that good..
but not as bad as last yr..
much better i can say..
but still..
lotsa room for improvement..
well..
been thinking abt quite alot of stuffs these days..
not really good or happy things though..
sometimes you're just not given a choice..
or maybe its not that you're not given a choice..
you are given..
you're given the choice to choose btw which party you wanna please..
sometimes i just wonder why i'm always stuck in such situations..
or rather..
why i'm always given such situations..
haiz..
when i make one party happy..
the other is not and vice versa..
i'm so sian la..
really dunno what to do sometimes..
here i'm trying so hard and yet i cant attain my goal..
what's the point..
sometimes i just wish to be alone..
alone where i can just leave everything and everyone behind..
i wont have to care abt anyone's feelings..
i can do whatever i want..
its selfish..
yes..
but that's just the thought that comes whenever i feel so lost..
and its even harder when i cant tell my problems to anyone..
except for you of course..:)
sometimes i wish i can just commit suicide and just end all the stupid nonsense..
but well..
if i do so my family will be condemned by relatives and friends..
and i cant let that happen..
and i cant just leave you alone too..
so you see..
its hard to die..
lol..
everytime my parents or anyone scold me..
i'll reflect..
reflect why they say such things..
and what i've done..
sometimes its just so unfair to me..
cos i cant tell those ppl what i've done..
especially in such a strict and troublesome and chaotic family..
deep down you know clearly what you've and done and all the effort you put in to make things right but yet you cant say it out..
the feeling is just frustrating and miserable..
and there comes a day when you just lose it all and just wanna cry it out to your heart's content..
its not abt the scolding that makes me upset..
i'm all numb to it le..
its how i have to keep everything inside me and all to myself that is making me crazy..
its how i have to find time for every single thing and lie abt every single thing and praying every minute that i'll get through the day safely without my parents finding out abt what i do..
i do things just like everyone else..
and i want to do things and live life like everyone else..
but i cant..
to just want to go out and do something, i have to plan ahead and conjure up a hundred and one lies and excuses..
i'm just so sick and tired of everything..
i hate to lie..
but i have no choice..
i'm telling myself to be happy and to cheer up..
i have to be strong and carry on..
yes..
i have to..
like what you tell me..
its not the end of the world..
life still has to go on..
and move on i will and be happy..
but this stupid cycle just starts all over again whenever a new day starts..
i just wanna be a happy girl..
is it really so hard?
somebody please tell me a way out..
i'm lost..
Paint Splashed<3
10:17 PM
Friday, November 9, 2007
Y
watched Romantic Princess last night..
didnt manage to finish even in one dvd..
cos by the time second part end already nearly 1am le..
and today still gotta work..
anyway..
the main characters are angela chang and wu zun!
wu zun looks so shuai la!
and they're sooooooooo sweet!!!!
cuteness and sweetness..
gonna continue watching tonight!
and i just end work only..
going home le!
bye bye..
Paint Splashed<3
5:55 PM
Monday, November 5, 2007
Y
in the office now..
working..
typing..
had been typing non-stop since 9.30am..
gonna have to type till 6pm today..
this job is damn tiring and boring man..
know what i'm supposed to do?
you know all those lucky draw coupons you all filled up when you buy some products from some particular brand..
and the receipt attached to it..
yup..
all the particulars that you write down..
name, contact, ic, address, email, occupation, date you bought product, where you bought it..
yes..
i have to type and record down every single thing..
but i'm doing this only for ginvera products..
and i have 3 full cartons of coupons to type..
*faints*
just now a woman came to me and i just casually ask her..
"eh.. can you tell me around how mwny coupons are there altogether here?"
reply:" eh.. less than 10000 i guess......."
and i didnt know what to say..
so i just thanked her..
and i thought that there was only a few thousands..
well..
if you think its an easy job..
you're right..
but its not so easy when you have to do three full cartons of it..:(
sobs..
my arm a bit sore le..
sad..
but well..
for the sake of money..
i'll do all of it..
haha..
oh..
just now the woman came back again..
"there's 4 more here. i'll just put them on top of the pile.."
....................................................................................
*cry*
how encouraging of her..
how nice of her to add some more to my already mountainous pile..
and i just have another job: translating chinese into english..
cos some ppl write their name and occupation in chinese..
dots..
totally..
haiz..
gonna go back to keying in all the stupid info le..
good thing is i dun have deadline..
or maybe..
it just means i'll have to work till i die..
that's why no deadline..
haha!:P
i swear i'll never write another lucky draw coupon in my life..
must sympathise with the ppl who'll be doing all these kinda job..
haha..:P
that's all for now..
sob sob..:(
Paint Splashed<3
3:46 PM
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Y
going to work tmr..
starting tmr..
doing data computing or sth like that la..
haha..
and i forgot what i'm gonna type le..
lol..
anyway..
its quite far..
at hougang..
but take bus from AMK and its a very long ride..
the place is like warehouse de..
working till end of december..
so sian now..
nothing to do..
just random blogging..
and i've been finding a nice blogskin for months le..
still cant find a nice one..
haha..
hmm..
think that's all for now..
tata..
Paint Splashed<3
4:58 PM
