Friday, November 16, 2007
Y
not very happy these days..
and i'm getting lazy to blog le..
haha..
before anyone (provided anyone comes to my blog at all) continue reading..
i have to caution you that this is a really long entry..
or at least i think so..
and its nothing happy..
so if you dun wanna read anything boring and unhappy..
i suggest you just stop right here..
thank you..
anyway..
got back my results le..
its not that good..
but not as bad as last yr..
much better i can say..
but still..
lotsa room for improvement..
well..
been thinking abt quite alot of stuffs these days..
not really good or happy things though..
sometimes you're just not given a choice..
or maybe its not that you're not given a choice..
you are given..
you're given the choice to choose btw which party you wanna please..
sometimes i just wonder why i'm always stuck in such situations..
or rather..
why i'm always given such situations..
haiz..
when i make one party happy..
the other is not and vice versa..
i'm so sian la..
really dunno what to do sometimes..
here i'm trying so hard and yet i cant attain my goal..
what's the point..
sometimes i just wish to be alone..
alone where i can just leave everything and everyone behind..
i wont have to care abt anyone's feelings..
i can do whatever i want..
its selfish..
yes..
but that's just the thought that comes whenever i feel so lost..
and its even harder when i cant tell my problems to anyone..
except for you of course..:)
sometimes i wish i can just commit suicide and just end all the stupid nonsense..
but well..
if i do so my family will be condemned by relatives and friends..
and i cant let that happen..
and i cant just leave you alone too..
so you see..
its hard to die..
lol..
everytime my parents or anyone scold me..
i'll reflect..
reflect why they say such things..
and what i've done..
sometimes its just so unfair to me..
cos i cant tell those ppl what i've done..
especially in such a strict and troublesome and chaotic family..
deep down you know clearly what you've and done and all the effort you put in to make things right but yet you cant say it out..
the feeling is just frustrating and miserable..
and there comes a day when you just lose it all and just wanna cry it out to your heart's content..
its not abt the scolding that makes me upset..
i'm all numb to it le..
its how i have to keep everything inside me and all to myself that is making me crazy..
its how i have to find time for every single thing and lie abt every single thing and praying every minute that i'll get through the day safely without my parents finding out abt what i do..
i do things just like everyone else..
and i want to do things and live life like everyone else..
but i cant..
to just want to go out and do something, i have to plan ahead and conjure up a hundred and one lies and excuses..
i'm just so sick and tired of everything..
i hate to lie..
but i have no choice..
i'm telling myself to be happy and to cheer up..
i have to be strong and carry on..
yes..
i have to..
like what you tell me..
its not the end of the world..
life still has to go on..
and move on i will and be happy..
but this stupid cycle just starts all over again whenever a new day starts..
i just wanna be a happy girl..
is it really so hard?
somebody please tell me a way out..
i'm lost..
Paint Splashed<3
10:17 PM
