Monday, November 26, 2007
Y
i suggest the ppl who happen to see this entry dun read if they dun wanna be bored to death..
cos this is a freaking long entry filled with lotsa unhappiness and anger and sadness..
so ya..
stop here if you wish..
thank you..
i dunno why i'm actually typing all these things and let everyone know abt my family..
i hate to do so..
but i cant care less when i have just so much unhappiness inside of me..
in my mother's eyes i commited a crime..
she said i shouldn't have hid the relationship from her..
she said if i had told her then she would've allowed and there wont be any unhappiness..
and now she felt so hurt..
that i had cheated her feelings..
but will she really allow me if i told her at that time???
yeah right..
i tried to make everything better by telling them good stuffs abt him..
i told them he'll be studying in nus after ns and she said:"study in nus den very great is it.."
when i'm not even sure if i myself can get into uni..
i told them he's earning income now and she said:" that's good. tell him to pay for your school fees then since he's earning money.."
no matter what i try to say they always have sth to say and criticise and insult him..
say he's irresponsible and stuff..
hey..
they dun even know him ok???
and now i get scoldings, lectures, screamings, shoutings, talks, yellings, whatever everyday..
she said she wont bother abt me anymore..
dun wanna have anything to do with me..
and if thats not enough..
she even told my bro not to talk to me or play with me..
she said she only has 3 children..
my 2 sis and my bro..
really..
did i do anything so wrong???
i told her i was afraid she'll scold and wont approve of it so i didnt tell her..
and she said i'm trying to put all the blame on her..
my sis told her the same reason and she said everyone's ganging up against her..
say that nobody understands her..
wth..
my dad wasn't as bad as her although he too find it hard to accept..
but he told me nicely and everything..
yes he scolded me..
but he's willing to give us a chance..
unlike my mum..
my mum felt that everyone was SUPPOSED to feel upset and disappointed with me..
supposed to be angry with me..
ytd my mum was in the living room watching tv..
and both my sis were in the kitchen talking abt sth and they started laughing..
my mum heard them laughing and screamed: "you all very happy is it? huh.. your sis got bf le you all very happy is it? do you know how hurt i am? you all dun do this to me............"
and she started crying and screaming..
all my sis did was laugh..
for some reason..
and my mum scolded them..
they told me they wont ever laugh again next time..
and she questioned everyone if they had scolded me..
so they all said yes even though my sis didnt cos they didnt think it was sth wrong..
haiz..
life is hard at home man..
den dinner time she threw a tantrum and my dad got scolded for giving her children that "dun see her as a mother in their eyes"..
yes..
i pity my dad..
cant even eat in peace..
and she told us not to force her and that she cant take it anymore le..
if not she'll either leave this house or commit suicide with my bro..
den she said she wanna move out..
wth man..
i mean..
did i really commit a crime????????
and who the hell is forcing her???
force her what??????????????????????????????
i asked her why must it be like this..
why cant we remain like last time..
and she said i'm very selfish..
want the guy, lied to parents, and now want a happy family again..
and she said it as if i'm leaving this family for him or getting married and what nonsense..
she said that i'll get pregnant and stuff and she wont help me look after the baby..
what nonsense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HEY!!!!!!!!!
i'm just in a relationship like anyone else!!!!!!
and other ppl's family can accept it and understand and remain normal so why cant mine??????
and she still have the cheek to ask me why i didnt tell her when we first started..
i think there wont be much difference either..
i have lived in this freaking strict family for 10yrs le..
and i know it well enough to know what i should and should not tell..
i know when i should lie and when not to..
ask herself why we lied..
and she cant take the fact that she's just TOO strict le..
things were freaking different before she step into this family..
yes life was hard..
but we were happy..
at least me and my sis were..
after she came in things just got worse..
when she's happy den everything's fine..
when she's unhappy..
you cant laugh or smile..
you cant show your temper and emotions..
you cant feel happy when she's not..
if not she'll take it out on you..
i've had enough le..
me and sis have to lie so much cos of her..
we cant go out cos its "money and time wasting"..
cant use handphone..
cant sms if not she'll question you who you msging and what you smsing abt den grab the phone and see the contents of the msg..
cant use the com as and when we want to unless necessary..
and when you tell her you need to use den she'll ask you what you wanna use it for..
if not for doing hw purposes den cant use cos its 'wasting electricity'..
have to let her check our stuffs like wallet, phone and bag as and when she wants to..
that's why i have to constantly delete his msges..
have to sleep at 12mn sharp if not she'll come out and scream at you..
cant use msn..
if you tell her you really need to msn then she'll stand behind you and look at your whole chat..
cant go out study with friends..
and when a friend call you, you gotta tell her your whole conversation..
cant take naps and sleep as and when you want unless you're really tired or sick..
gotta wake up early everyday (latest at 8 or 9am for weekend and public hols, if not everyday during hols will be latest 7am) regardless weekday or weekend or holiday or public holiday..
cant just sit there and do nothing..
if she sees you sitting on the sofa doing nothing she'll give you chores to do..
and if she go out you cant stay at home even if you dun feel like going cos need to help her look after my bro..
if you tell her you dun wanna go den she'll scream at you and tell you how selfish you are and slam the door at you..
and you're not allowed to slam the door or shout at her when you're unhappy while she can do everything to you..
so you see..
i think i actually live in a prison that allows sunlight to come in..
me and my sis have to tell lies to go out, do this do that..
i'm fed up..
really..
i think no one in the right mind will wanna live here and much less tell her that you got a bf..
and she herself cant understand..
when we try to tell her..
she just shut us up and say we're unfilial and talk all the crap abt the retribution that we're gonna have den she'll say she's doing all these for our own good..
wtf..
she say she'll let us free when we start working..
totally wtf..
i only live life once and i'm a teenager only once..
yes she'll let us free when we start work but what's the point man..
the time has all passed..
all long gone le..
i wanna run away from this place..
this miserable prison..
many times i wanna run away..
and sometimes when i'm really sad i even wanna commit suicide to give my parents a wake up call..
my dad understands us but he just cant win over my mum..
they'll quarrel and its all our fault again..
she say she's hurt but what abt us??
its been 10yrs le..
and nothing has changed..
i really wanna cry my heart out..
wanna scream and let all these nightmare go away..
i envy and i'm jealous of ppl and friends with so much more freedom..
i hate my life..
i hate my family..
i hate my mum..
i just hate everything that has to do with this f***ed up family..
i want her to just leave us alone..
i dun wanna live in lies anymore..
i just hate to lie but what can i do????
we have to lie..
and have to always worry of getting caught..
this is just plain miserable..
she dun even understand a thing..
and i feel sorry for you who have to go through everything with me..
i just hate being caged up in here..
i want freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now they're giving me freedom but its just cos they feel they cant control me anymore..
not that they're giving it willingly..
i hate this..
LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paint Splashed<3
9:14 AM
